"Just be yourself" is terrible advice. Do this instead

I know. It sounds well-intended and even wise to just be yourself (be authentically you, right...?), but if "yourself" is uninteresting, socially awkward, insecure and prejudiced, then being yourself will leave you isolated, self-loathing and struggling both emotionally and financially. Unless you want those outcomes, I highly recommend that you do not be yourself.

Here's the truth: Your personality is not actually you. It's who you've been conditioned to act like based on what you've experienced in your life and what subconscious beliefs were programmed into you.

If you were consistently punished for being loud as a child, if you were told that being loud is rude and now you identify as a quiet person, that's not "just who you are." You simply learned to be quiet to avoid punishment (see: Operant conditioning) and subconsciously believe that loud = bad.

So instead of just being yourself, create a new personality so that you can create a new reality. This is what I've personally done and 10/10 would recommend.

Here's how to become a new you, a better you:

Step 1

Identify the personality traits that you admire in others. It could be their:

• Ability to stay optimistic after experiencing setbacks in life

• Devil-may-care attitude towards career changes

• Charisma and charm in social settings

• Excellent communication skills in high-pressure situations

Write down 5 qualities or skills that you would like to adopt for yourself.

Step 2

Ask yourself what beliefs and skills you would need to practice to embody these personality traits.

To be someone who is optimistic after setbacks, you would need to believe:

• "I can't change what's happened in the past. The only thing that matters now is how I choose to respond going forward."

• "Everything in life is temporary. I will forget about this in no time."

• "Setbacks are actually opportunities for cultivating wisdom and personal growth."

To be someone who has excellent communication skills in high-pressure situations, you would need to learn:

• How to emotionally regulate during high-pressure situations to be able to communicate effectively

• What to say and what not to say under stress

• How to be comfortable in silence so you can think clearly before speaking

Step 3

Create an action plan to cultivate these new beliefs and skills so you can develop into your new and better self. This could look like:

• Hiring a sales coach who helps you improve your communication skills on high-pressure sales calls

• Dedicating the first 5 minutes after you wake up, Monday through Friday, to repeat the affirmation aloud to yourself: "All setbacks are opportunities for personal growth" while recalling past experiences that felt stressful in the moment but actually led to exponential growth and future opportunities for you

Step 4

Continue identifying personality traits you would like to change and repeat the steps above.

The journey of life is one of constant evolution and growth. As you gather new experiences, you will naturally develop a desire to become a new and different version of yourself based on what your current life situation demands from you.

If you decide to go from being a 9 to 5 worker to a self-employed entrepreneur, the path of entrepreneurship is going to demand the cultivation of different personality traits, ones you may be entirely unfamiliar with like networking and being comfortable with small talk, in order to become successful.

This one hits home for me because I used to identify as someone who hated small talk, but now I've learned to enjoy it by changing my beliefs about small talk:

• From: "Small talk is pointless and a waste of my time."

• To: "Small talk is an opportunity to connect with another human being who holds life experience and wisdom that could absolutely be of value to me."

You are not you

In conclusion: Who you are is simply who you've been conditioned to be. If you want a different reality, you need a different personality.

Authenticity is one thing. Acceptance of mediocrity is another.

Keep the parts of you that you love, change what you don't.

Follow this and watch the magic that will unfold in your life.

Xoxo,

Vivian Ngo